Friday, March 25, 2011

Hide your youngin's...The mannequins are comin'

       Those of you that know me best know that I have a slightly morbid side that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again.  So I like to patrol Ebay all along for mannequin parts. You see, my fake arm I got in highschool and almost got arrested for since I hung it out of my '86 Corolla hatchback is getting a little old and gummy. And my leg....well, let's just say I found it decomposing in my closet at my mom's house last month.. Ya know, buying body parts on Ebay is much more sanitary and legal than gravedigging..just sayin'

  Let's get this morbid little party started, shall we?

  Quit staring at me already! With your bedroom eyes.  You are jailbait...and a little scary. No, as a matter of fact, I do not want to touch your androgenous nether regions. Thanks for asking though

This one's already nice and butchered up for you psycho types. You know who you are.

Nice Man: Chiquita, I would love to take you out you a nice pina colada
Chiquita: It's the 80's genie resort ensemble that attracted you so, wasn't it? I'm more a WD-40 drinker myself
Nice Man: Damn...Why do all my dates seem to end up like this?

What? You mean y'all don't like to lounge around all glamourouslike in the nude...on grandaddy's recliner? And what the hell is that next to her?! A bowie knife? A penis cover? Geez

True Story: I once was prescribed Wellbutrin, and had some undesirable side effects. Now I'm sure it's a fine thing for most folks, but not this girl. I had a misfortunate event with a giant imaginary chihuahua charging at my car. A few days after said event, I'm sitting at a Mexican restaurant, and out of nowhere, this mannequin arm appears sticking right out of the wall, y'all. My dining companions were a little concerned...for my sanity....not for the nonexistent arm.   
And y'all thought zombies were the real threat. Zombies are for amateurs. Mannequins are the real threat to humanity. Hide your kids, and good luck.

      Till next time, Stay Fancy! --Jess

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Best. Birth. Control. Ever.

    Hi, Y'all!  Sorry it's been awhile. I just moved to Missouri a few weeks ago, and I'm still settling in and fighting a wicked sinus infection. I figured I'd post about something highly educational today: How to get your man out of the mood. You girls (and some boys, I'm certain) can thank me later..

      So....What do you do when the ol' tried and true "But, I've got a headache" excuse isn't cutting it anymore?

     Your man feeling frisky? Well, not anymore. Alls you gotta do is leave these babies out on the bathroom counter for God and everybody to see. All you have to do to earn these beauties is suffer through a couple of years of orthodontic torture....and bam! Just like that, you are the owner of the best birth control device the world has to offer.
     Bonus points if you go ahead and put them in your mouth for the night.  Can we say, "Game over"?. (I'm not gonna elaborate, you sick pervs)

   What?! you say your man is still in the mood?! Aha...

      Now make sure they are good and displayed on the bathroom counter...

        What? He's still down for action?That demented bastard....OK. Try this...
    This has to be the mood killer trifecta. You're welcome ladies (and some gents).     

                                                                                            Until next time, Stay Fancy!---                                                                                  Jess